You're the Last of Your Kind Mona Lisa

I feel something tonight, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I am neither in a bad mood, nor am I in a particularly good mood. I am wanting for some expression of what I'm feeling; I'm grasping for understanding, yet I can't quite reach. Maybe its the burdens of life weighing me down- that's a definite possibility. . . .

I am blessed. There is no question or doubt about that. The thing is, I long for my heart's desires to be realized, and I know the Lord will bring them to life- but, I am so worn out from waiting. The frustration brings tears to my eyes whenever I sit down and allow myself to vent. There are moments when I all that crosses my mind is how much I hate parts of the world today.

I hate how I am surrounded by people who view conservatism as something to be ashamed of. These are people who throw around "conservative" as an insult the way most people throw around "virgin" as an insult. The truth is- I'm proud to be both a conservative and a virgin. I think I uphold good morals and values. I strive for holiness in my faith, but when I mess up, I don't ignore my convictions by making up excuses about other people being judgmental. That's another thing I hate: I hate how so many people hide from their convictions by blaming others for being judgmental or too "conservative". The fact is, the convictions are what drive these said people into blaming others for being judgmental.

Another thing is, I don't feel at home anywhere. Well, I take that back- there's one place I feel at home, but I can't truly embrace that for several years. It's my heart's biggest desire, but it's not for me to have. Not yet. I know what everybody says: It's worth the wait, You'll be so glad you waited, It's not time yet, etc. No, I'm not talking about "you know," but it could very well fall into this too. Ahhh... I just want my dreams to come true. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. God doesn't think so either. Yeah, He just wants me to wait. It's like something has awoken in me. I want to create and build my own home. I want to carve my own path in life (with the guidance of the good Lord, of course.) This is my time- it's our time... all of us. We're young and we are supposed to be embracing our independence and our own lives. I want the freedom of my own life. I want my parents to support my decisions, not ridicule.

There are so many things plagueing my mind right now. In a lot of ways, I think it all comes back to this: my dreams are in reach. It's like I'm holding them in the palm of my hand, even. It's all timing, though. For some reason the time is never right. I've always wanted to be an adult because my heart's desires cannot be fulfilled until adulthood. In many ways I view myself as an adult- others even view me as an adult, but the people who I need to truly respect me as an adult, don't. In their eyes I'm still a child, and that weighs me down. I'm ready for that shift, for things to change. Soon I hope.

I keep praying for it to happen. I have so much hope stored up in chance- very slim chance. She changes her mind so much and it's always been a struggle for me to deal with, but I'm holding out. I want her to transfer. We'd get an apartment and we'd be on our own. I'd have my best friend (girl) back and my hunger for her female companionship would be satisfied. I've been starved for that holy, spiritual bond with another female. It's something that I need desperately. She upholds the same morals and values as me AND she values her conservatism. I'm praying hard, but I have to be careful to pray for the Lords will and not my desire. The Lord knows my heart's desires and I trust that He has what's best in store. It's just one of those days when I feel like saying, " Come on, Lord, throw me a bone here."

There's plenty of time left tonight...

i am a.d.d. tonight and can't focus on my paper. this is bad. there are so many other things on my mind. there are things i'd rather be doing, reading, thinking about, writing, watching, listening to... i could go on and on. right now i'm listening to copeland- i'm listening to coffee. this song takes me back and locks me in the present all at the same time. it reminds me of last fall when we'd sit in the oversized chair by the fireplace and just be together. i was in my deathcab shirt and my ring was on the wrong finger and our whole world was each other.



do you remember those days? there was something innocent about them. we had no idea what was there or what was going on- what the Lord was doing. now we've settled and are companions. best friends. it's not a loss, it's a shift. a wonderful shirt with depth and passion. it's easy to say that i miss those days, but never for a split second would i trade where we are for that. look at this picture and remember our families impact on us at the time and their involvement, now look at this one and think of the same thing.



we've come a long way. i like our coffee better now. i'll be honest. right now i'm torn by feelings of over involvement, intrusion, and it simply not being my place, but i know with time this will ease. i've just got to find a balance and where i truly belong. i don't want to work so hard at fitting in where i don't even belong yet- it's a recipe for heart ache for all involved and i don't want to be the cause of that. what's our motto? "it'll be fine." and it will be.

this paper is so daunting. i have nothing to say on the topic. so what. the kitchen is a place for the trifles of women and thus the triflesome women solve the murder because their heads aren't stuck up their.. something... with logic. blah blah blah feminism and all that jazz. i don't care, i don't feel like doing this. i just want to listen to aaron marsh sing and let his music take me to that special place that has absolutely nothing to do with aaron marsh. now i feel like pouting- and i still have half a paper to write. arg. man, i'm a whiney-butt, but it felt good to get it out.