it's beginning to look a lot like...

the Christmas tree fills the house with the scent of pine. there are no lights. neither garland nor ornaments, no angel on top, but finally the warmth that brings holiday joy into my heart is in my house. today we were dressed in reds and greens and stood by the wreath and the tree with the fantastical packages. this weekend will be lights of animals and fake snow- a trip to our spot with our favorite desserts. i know what i'm getting you (finally) and you're going to love it. i love giving and making people smile. i've been having trouble feeling Christmas this year, but i'm getting there. the mood is setting in and i like it.


there's a chance that Brook and I may get a place (apartment, house, duplex) of some sort, together. we're praying.

You're the Last of Your Kind Mona Lisa

I feel something tonight, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I am neither in a bad mood, nor am I in a particularly good mood. I am wanting for some expression of what I'm feeling; I'm grasping for understanding, yet I can't quite reach. Maybe its the burdens of life weighing me down- that's a definite possibility. . . .

I am blessed. There is no question or doubt about that. The thing is, I long for my heart's desires to be realized, and I know the Lord will bring them to life- but, I am so worn out from waiting. The frustration brings tears to my eyes whenever I sit down and allow myself to vent. There are moments when I all that crosses my mind is how much I hate parts of the world today.

I hate how I am surrounded by people who view conservatism as something to be ashamed of. These are people who throw around "conservative" as an insult the way most people throw around "virgin" as an insult. The truth is- I'm proud to be both a conservative and a virgin. I think I uphold good morals and values. I strive for holiness in my faith, but when I mess up, I don't ignore my convictions by making up excuses about other people being judgmental. That's another thing I hate: I hate how so many people hide from their convictions by blaming others for being judgmental or too "conservative". The fact is, the convictions are what drive these said people into blaming others for being judgmental.

Another thing is, I don't feel at home anywhere. Well, I take that back- there's one place I feel at home, but I can't truly embrace that for several years. It's my heart's biggest desire, but it's not for me to have. Not yet. I know what everybody says: It's worth the wait, You'll be so glad you waited, It's not time yet, etc. No, I'm not talking about "you know," but it could very well fall into this too. Ahhh... I just want my dreams to come true. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. God doesn't think so either. Yeah, He just wants me to wait. It's like something has awoken in me. I want to create and build my own home. I want to carve my own path in life (with the guidance of the good Lord, of course.) This is my time- it's our time... all of us. We're young and we are supposed to be embracing our independence and our own lives. I want the freedom of my own life. I want my parents to support my decisions, not ridicule.

There are so many things plagueing my mind right now. In a lot of ways, I think it all comes back to this: my dreams are in reach. It's like I'm holding them in the palm of my hand, even. It's all timing, though. For some reason the time is never right. I've always wanted to be an adult because my heart's desires cannot be fulfilled until adulthood. In many ways I view myself as an adult- others even view me as an adult, but the people who I need to truly respect me as an adult, don't. In their eyes I'm still a child, and that weighs me down. I'm ready for that shift, for things to change. Soon I hope.

I keep praying for it to happen. I have so much hope stored up in chance- very slim chance. She changes her mind so much and it's always been a struggle for me to deal with, but I'm holding out. I want her to transfer. We'd get an apartment and we'd be on our own. I'd have my best friend (girl) back and my hunger for her female companionship would be satisfied. I've been starved for that holy, spiritual bond with another female. It's something that I need desperately. She upholds the same morals and values as me AND she values her conservatism. I'm praying hard, but I have to be careful to pray for the Lords will and not my desire. The Lord knows my heart's desires and I trust that He has what's best in store. It's just one of those days when I feel like saying, " Come on, Lord, throw me a bone here."

There's plenty of time left tonight...

i am a.d.d. tonight and can't focus on my paper. this is bad. there are so many other things on my mind. there are things i'd rather be doing, reading, thinking about, writing, watching, listening to... i could go on and on. right now i'm listening to copeland- i'm listening to coffee. this song takes me back and locks me in the present all at the same time. it reminds me of last fall when we'd sit in the oversized chair by the fireplace and just be together. i was in my deathcab shirt and my ring was on the wrong finger and our whole world was each other.



do you remember those days? there was something innocent about them. we had no idea what was there or what was going on- what the Lord was doing. now we've settled and are companions. best friends. it's not a loss, it's a shift. a wonderful shirt with depth and passion. it's easy to say that i miss those days, but never for a split second would i trade where we are for that. look at this picture and remember our families impact on us at the time and their involvement, now look at this one and think of the same thing.



we've come a long way. i like our coffee better now. i'll be honest. right now i'm torn by feelings of over involvement, intrusion, and it simply not being my place, but i know with time this will ease. i've just got to find a balance and where i truly belong. i don't want to work so hard at fitting in where i don't even belong yet- it's a recipe for heart ache for all involved and i don't want to be the cause of that. what's our motto? "it'll be fine." and it will be.

this paper is so daunting. i have nothing to say on the topic. so what. the kitchen is a place for the trifles of women and thus the triflesome women solve the murder because their heads aren't stuck up their.. something... with logic. blah blah blah feminism and all that jazz. i don't care, i don't feel like doing this. i just want to listen to aaron marsh sing and let his music take me to that special place that has absolutely nothing to do with aaron marsh. now i feel like pouting- and i still have half a paper to write. arg. man, i'm a whiney-butt, but it felt good to get it out.

the heart of life

the question is: where do i begin? it amazes me how on a day-to-day basis i feel like life and time are just dragging along, but a mere 17 days makes time feel like it suddenly grew massive wings to allow it to fly by. time is a phenomenon and that's all there is to it. well, that, and that fact that i am an incredibly blessed human being.

at the very moment why my dad and his motorcycle ran smack into the side of an 86 year old woman's land barge one of my worst fears in life became a reality. it's always been in the back of my mind when my dad would drive off on his bike: what if he gets in a wreck, what if he never comes home? for days i kept seeing my dad bouncing off the back of the woman's trunk and rolling to a dead stop in the middle of the busy Knox Abbot intersection. praise God he's alive. life and the world tell me that my dad should have died or at least have been injured so seriously that we thought he might have died, but the Lord said it wasn't his time. my dad is bruised on his chest and has pain there (and some serious pain killers that he refuses to take), and he has a baby little scrape on his knuckles. that's it. not one broken bone. it wasn't his time. it's not his time. i've never dropped to my knees to praise the Lord like i did last monday. i bowed myself completely in the middle of my dorm floor, all alone, and i sobbed praises to my merciful God. i should do that on the days when my dad isn't almost killed- i should do that more often.

this past weekend i was in Tennessee with my aunt, uncle and sister. we shopped, we ate, we watched football and we came home. it was a wonderful time and i'm so blessed to have an aunt and uncle who are not only capable but are more than willing to spoil me. my favorite part, though, wasn't the shopping and the sweaters and skirt, it wasn't the good food or the tailgating, it wasn't the football game that we should have won, and it wasn't even the time i got to spend with some of my favorite family members. my favorite part was seeing the cold, bold full moon of Friday night with the crisp Tennessee air surrounding me, and the way the reds and yellows looked with the greens in the trees. it's the way i feel when i'm in a sweater and can see my breath and how the mountains look blue against the horizon. that's what i loved about this weekend. this is our time of year.

we've had many "dates," but we never really call them "dates." if i had to speak of dates though, i'd say last night was definitely top 5. i remember our first real date. it was months after the Lord started growing our love, but it was the right time for a "real date." it was cold. i wore my coat and scarf and my boots and he wore his scarf. there was the zoo and the lights. my best friend and the one she loves. then there was dessert surrounded by art and the glare of car lights as they passed by on the city street. then we walked. we tooled around downtown like we belonged: it was us and the cold night and we rejoiced in our love. it was wonderful. of course there was prom and there was that night right before he left for Charleston and i left for the Caribbean.there have been nights of football games and starry fields. we've had many Monday night date nights with parks, picnics, dessert and dance. last night was special though. it was a Monday night date night with daisies, apple pie, a walk in the park, sweaters and loafers, new glasses and target. there have been days when i thought man what if he surprised me with flowers- i've never gotten flowers on those days and i didn't deserve them. yesterday, he knocked me off my feet and drew a few tears. i stepped off of the elevator and there he stood with a bouquet of my favorite flowers. they're not my favorite because they're the prettiest- i love tulips and orchids and lilies- no, they're my favorite because they're the "girl-next-door" of flowers, kind of like me. i'm really bad about spoiling surprises for myself. if i have a chance to guess i'll usually guess, but flowers never crossed my mind and that, my friend, is the very best surprise.

i want the people i love to be happy and fulfilled. this grips me more than i can say. i'll do whatever i can to help ensure this.

she dreams of all the stars

last night (tonight) was one of those perfect starry nights. you know the ones where the longer you look at the sky the stars seem to multiply? it was one of those. we sat there in utter awe, unable to speak above a whisper, in the presence of our all powerful,all wonderful God. He created that-each and every star, planet, constellation, galaxy, and all of the other astonishing things out there that i am unable to name- He did it all! i love it when the air is cool and the night is clear.

we're going to go to the moon one day soon. we'll get there and it'll be more than we expected. there will be joy, happiness, excitement, love and blessings floating around surrounding us and we'll all live happily ever after under the hand of our God.

season i love

amber haze surrounds me as fall is gasping for life here. if only i had the ability to breathe the crisp life of autumn into the air- if only. there is no feeling like the first crisp night when i'm in a sweater snuggled up close to the one i love as we watch the existence of our breath die away against God's perfect starry night sky. no other time of year makes me as happy as fall. (of course i will say the same thing at Christmas time and possibly in the spring, but seriously- there's something special about fall.) i love walking around, being able to marvel at the fantasticness of God's imagination. it was He who thought up the idea of leaves changing from summer green to autumn ambers, crimsons, oranges and yellows. it was His idea for us to be able to breathe in the crisp air only to be able to watch it form a wispy cloud before our eyes.then, there are the walks in the parks. warm, snuggly blankets underneath trees with beloved books. the first hot chocolate of the year. smelling the burning leaves, and seeing the piles of raked leaves on their way to the burn pile. the smell of spices and the sight of pumpkins and mums. sweaters- getting to wear a sweater for the first time in the fall is like visiting with an old friend.

fall brings me joy- that is as simple and direct as i can phrase it. i look forward to Thanksgiving and the time set aside for family. pecan pies and black turkeys. (grandmama and i made a black turkey one year and we're still the running Thanksgiving joke, but that memory is precious and that's what life's about)i love traditions, but i look forward to making my own. i'm starting to stand on my own two feet and each day is one day closer. one day closer.

a little taste of mercy

PRAISE GOD!

i could just leave it at that, it says it all... but i won't. i'll go further and explain why i'm praising God. hmm... where to begin?

i got up super early this morning so that i could study for a music history exam that i had this afternoon. after i studied i read my devotion and spent some time with the Lord. as i went about my little morning routine i prayed for the girls on my all and in my building. when i walked out of the dorm i praised God for the fall breath in the air the joy that i heard from the squirrels and birds. than i just gave it to Him: i gave the Lord my usual tuesday/thursday funk.

my 8am class is generally my put-me-in-a-bad-mood-for-the-rest-of-the-day class. it's english (which i love), but my professor is a scary koala (he seriously looks like a koala). anyway, i just gave it to the Lord. i told Him i wouldn't indulge in my usual foul temperament after the class and i didn't. not only that, but the Lord blessed me during that class.