the heart of life

the question is: where do i begin? it amazes me how on a day-to-day basis i feel like life and time are just dragging along, but a mere 17 days makes time feel like it suddenly grew massive wings to allow it to fly by. time is a phenomenon and that's all there is to it. well, that, and that fact that i am an incredibly blessed human being.

at the very moment why my dad and his motorcycle ran smack into the side of an 86 year old woman's land barge one of my worst fears in life became a reality. it's always been in the back of my mind when my dad would drive off on his bike: what if he gets in a wreck, what if he never comes home? for days i kept seeing my dad bouncing off the back of the woman's trunk and rolling to a dead stop in the middle of the busy Knox Abbot intersection. praise God he's alive. life and the world tell me that my dad should have died or at least have been injured so seriously that we thought he might have died, but the Lord said it wasn't his time. my dad is bruised on his chest and has pain there (and some serious pain killers that he refuses to take), and he has a baby little scrape on his knuckles. that's it. not one broken bone. it wasn't his time. it's not his time. i've never dropped to my knees to praise the Lord like i did last monday. i bowed myself completely in the middle of my dorm floor, all alone, and i sobbed praises to my merciful God. i should do that on the days when my dad isn't almost killed- i should do that more often.

this past weekend i was in Tennessee with my aunt, uncle and sister. we shopped, we ate, we watched football and we came home. it was a wonderful time and i'm so blessed to have an aunt and uncle who are not only capable but are more than willing to spoil me. my favorite part, though, wasn't the shopping and the sweaters and skirt, it wasn't the good food or the tailgating, it wasn't the football game that we should have won, and it wasn't even the time i got to spend with some of my favorite family members. my favorite part was seeing the cold, bold full moon of Friday night with the crisp Tennessee air surrounding me, and the way the reds and yellows looked with the greens in the trees. it's the way i feel when i'm in a sweater and can see my breath and how the mountains look blue against the horizon. that's what i loved about this weekend. this is our time of year.

we've had many "dates," but we never really call them "dates." if i had to speak of dates though, i'd say last night was definitely top 5. i remember our first real date. it was months after the Lord started growing our love, but it was the right time for a "real date." it was cold. i wore my coat and scarf and my boots and he wore his scarf. there was the zoo and the lights. my best friend and the one she loves. then there was dessert surrounded by art and the glare of car lights as they passed by on the city street. then we walked. we tooled around downtown like we belonged: it was us and the cold night and we rejoiced in our love. it was wonderful. of course there was prom and there was that night right before he left for Charleston and i left for the Caribbean.there have been nights of football games and starry fields. we've had many Monday night date nights with parks, picnics, dessert and dance. last night was special though. it was a Monday night date night with daisies, apple pie, a walk in the park, sweaters and loafers, new glasses and target. there have been days when i thought man what if he surprised me with flowers- i've never gotten flowers on those days and i didn't deserve them. yesterday, he knocked me off my feet and drew a few tears. i stepped off of the elevator and there he stood with a bouquet of my favorite flowers. they're not my favorite because they're the prettiest- i love tulips and orchids and lilies- no, they're my favorite because they're the "girl-next-door" of flowers, kind of like me. i'm really bad about spoiling surprises for myself. if i have a chance to guess i'll usually guess, but flowers never crossed my mind and that, my friend, is the very best surprise.

i want the people i love to be happy and fulfilled. this grips me more than i can say. i'll do whatever i can to help ensure this.

she dreams of all the stars

last night (tonight) was one of those perfect starry nights. you know the ones where the longer you look at the sky the stars seem to multiply? it was one of those. we sat there in utter awe, unable to speak above a whisper, in the presence of our all powerful,all wonderful God. He created that-each and every star, planet, constellation, galaxy, and all of the other astonishing things out there that i am unable to name- He did it all! i love it when the air is cool and the night is clear.

we're going to go to the moon one day soon. we'll get there and it'll be more than we expected. there will be joy, happiness, excitement, love and blessings floating around surrounding us and we'll all live happily ever after under the hand of our God.

season i love

amber haze surrounds me as fall is gasping for life here. if only i had the ability to breathe the crisp life of autumn into the air- if only. there is no feeling like the first crisp night when i'm in a sweater snuggled up close to the one i love as we watch the existence of our breath die away against God's perfect starry night sky. no other time of year makes me as happy as fall. (of course i will say the same thing at Christmas time and possibly in the spring, but seriously- there's something special about fall.) i love walking around, being able to marvel at the fantasticness of God's imagination. it was He who thought up the idea of leaves changing from summer green to autumn ambers, crimsons, oranges and yellows. it was His idea for us to be able to breathe in the crisp air only to be able to watch it form a wispy cloud before our eyes.then, there are the walks in the parks. warm, snuggly blankets underneath trees with beloved books. the first hot chocolate of the year. smelling the burning leaves, and seeing the piles of raked leaves on their way to the burn pile. the smell of spices and the sight of pumpkins and mums. sweaters- getting to wear a sweater for the first time in the fall is like visiting with an old friend.

fall brings me joy- that is as simple and direct as i can phrase it. i look forward to Thanksgiving and the time set aside for family. pecan pies and black turkeys. (grandmama and i made a black turkey one year and we're still the running Thanksgiving joke, but that memory is precious and that's what life's about)i love traditions, but i look forward to making my own. i'm starting to stand on my own two feet and each day is one day closer. one day closer.

a little taste of mercy

PRAISE GOD!

i could just leave it at that, it says it all... but i won't. i'll go further and explain why i'm praising God. hmm... where to begin?

i got up super early this morning so that i could study for a music history exam that i had this afternoon. after i studied i read my devotion and spent some time with the Lord. as i went about my little morning routine i prayed for the girls on my all and in my building. when i walked out of the dorm i praised God for the fall breath in the air the joy that i heard from the squirrels and birds. than i just gave it to Him: i gave the Lord my usual tuesday/thursday funk.

my 8am class is generally my put-me-in-a-bad-mood-for-the-rest-of-the-day class. it's english (which i love), but my professor is a scary koala (he seriously looks like a koala). anyway, i just gave it to the Lord. i told Him i wouldn't indulge in my usual foul temperament after the class and i didn't. not only that, but the Lord blessed me during that class.

second is the best.

i'm in the middle of a much needed study break. 2 hours of music history is enough to overwhelm me, but i've got at least that many more hours to go. shame on me for leaving my studying until the last minute- shame on me.

it's not so bad, though. i amazingly had a nice weekend at home with my family- what a blessing. my mom attacked my laundry as soon as i got there and wouldn't let me touch it until i left. saturday morning she made pancakes, bacon and sausage and it was fantastic. there was a trip to target mixed in w/ my saturday as well as some yummy steak. all-in-all it wasn't so bad... i already said that.

tonight i have dance and dance is always special. it's like our own little world. we get dressed up and... well, it's just nice. we're not great, but we're getting better. waltz is our dance. it was one of the hardest when we first started and it's still hard, but it's beautiful. i feel like a princess at a ball when we're dancing a waltz.

the Lord is working in me, there's no doubt about that. there are moments when it's so easy to rejoice in my brokenness, and then there are moments when i have to be smacked over the head to remember that my God is doing something huge in my life. i'm talking gynormous! (did i spell that right? who gets to make up how you spell made up words anyway?)

back to music history. i'm in the renaissance right now, and i have to get through the classical period. i'm half way through the 2nd period of 4, so that makes me around a third of the way through... maybe? i never was very good with fractions.

first is the worst

this is a new thing for me. i've never had a blog before. i'm not sure that it will work out for me either- this blog and i already aren't getting along. see, i have this thing where i like things to be uniform. already i've been faced with the decision as to whether or not i'm going to write with proper grammatical mechanics or not. no big deal, i know.... but (yes,there is a but) i kind of like the way things are when they're written well. my problem is that i'm not a big fan of seeing errors when i write things- a very imperfect perfectionist. i guess my thought process in choosing not to type this like an educated person was this: if i begin with bad mechanics then i don't have to feel badly when i see errors in my writing. this is sad- it kind of goes along with the concept of setting low standards so i won't have to worry about not meeting them. scouts honor (i never actually was a girl scout, but i'll say it anyway)- i'm really not as apathetic as i sound.

this is me. i'm a mess.